HOW TO GET GOOD SALARY INCREMENTS

There is nothing which money can’t buy. Hence if we have less money, we can talk about ethical philosophical thoughts, but, fact remains that money is important. And for the benefit of millions of people, who jump and dance and eat chocolates (if it can be afforded) on first date of month, we are revealing secrets, on how to get good salary increments. A must read. Put on your glasses, if you use, to see all fine prints here.
The first and foremost thing is that it is not important that you work, but, requirement is to show that you are working. Move with energy even if you are feeling sleepy in your workplace. Make a huge noise, cry yourself hoarse, tell everyone even if some are not willing to listen, if your one small bit of effort has resulted in some positive effects. Things to do list, is not made to act, but to show it to your boss discreetly, even if it has remained the same for last 8 working days. If you are planning to surf the net, play games and chat after sending the important e-mail, the smart technique is to first prepare the draft, let us say by 5:30 P.M., have fun on company’s expense and send the e-mail by 10:30 P.M. when you are about to leave. The impression would be that poor chap has been working hard till 10:30 P.M. in the night.

There are Oriental massages, African way of massage, Ayurvedic massage, herbal massages, animal massages and what all but the best and most important and which you need to learn is how to massage the ego of your boss. It is a very delicate technique requiring years of practice, good ingredients, right kind of situations and ability to apply softly and slowly.

Every human being likes to be appreciated, adored, and respected. So how can you boss or client be different. Flattery is a difficult art but once you get a hold on to it, it becomes the biggest skill advantage and technical competence you can have. If you are not adept to it, practice it day in and day out. Observe people who are successful in corporate world and you can learn a lot of techniques of flattery from these masters.

And now the most important commandment is that never, never the buck should stop at you. When the things go wrong, the reason is that whom you have delegated didn’t work as he/she should be, or your senior or client didn’t give proper authority or instruction. No way, on this earth, you can be responsible for the blame, even if you are only one who has led to this fiasco. Have a strong EQ i.e. emotional quotient. Even if client or customer shouts and screams at you, make sure that the moment it come’s in the right ear, next second later, it goes out from the left ear. Do not get affected by it. Professionally it is called as “part of job”, “professional hazards” etc.,

Hard work is working throughout the year. Smart work is working 2 months before the appraisal. Technically in HR, it is called as “recency effect” and universally applicable. Become very active as soon as performance appraisal months come near. Come early, leave late. Respond to each communication like your life depends on it. Get involved in each project as never before. If the boss’s wife is facing problem, because the maid or servant is not coming, do overtime at his house. It will also help in building a personal relationship. Drop a hint or two that you are getting an offer from competition, and yes, obviously, even this may not be true at all.

Can these strategies ever fail? They never have and never will. Once you apply them, the salary increments would be good and money will be able to buy you everything. So what are you waiting for?

LESSONS IN MANAGEMENT FROM DAIRY FARM

A leading management institute, London School of Business, with a worldwide recognized, course in Human Resource Management has recently tied up with a dairy farm at Karnal, Haryana. The students would be spending at least 2 weeks at the farm. The objective of this tie up has been to give students an exposure to dairy farm management, which academicians feel, would benefit them tremendously, in their career in managing human resources in companies.

Insights into this logic are listed below.

The fundamental premise that a dairy farm works is, that milk is meant for the market, and not for the calf of the cow, for which actually it is produced. If there would be no calf, there would be no milk. However the benefit of calf is not to be seen. Employees exist in an organization to make profits for promoters, owners and shareholders and this profit is not supposed to be ploughed back to the staff.
The cow which gives maximum milk is supposed to be pregnated the maximum number of times and at the earliest possible. More calf’s would mean more milk producing opportunities and since the trained resource (cow) gives maximum output, more benefit for the farm. If an employee is very hard working, works day and night, good HR practice is to give him more projects, more work and thus more load. This called as “Jat theory of optimization of exploitation” roots its origins to dairy farms of Jind and Narnual in Haryana.

Milking hygiene is central to efficient farm management. By this, if the cows are free from any disease, they can be deployed throughout the year. With the advent of technology there are now machines which can do this work. Milk is transferred, through pipes, directly from udders to giant containers and there is no “communication gap”. Good multinational companies make sure that the workstations where the employees are working (getting milked) are clean, comfortable and cosy. And technology has made sure that each workstation has a system with hi-speed internet connection and telephone for break free communication.

Good dairy farms are those who follow well defined animal welfare policies. These include a healthy environment, no space constraint issues, timely serving of feed and adequate care during illness. Staff welfare policies are designed to ensure that staff remains fit and fine for maximum work optimization. Offices are kept neat and clean, tastefully decorated , spacious cubicles to avoid space constraints, canteen facilities for serving timely food, leaves like Sick leave, group medical insurance policies etc.,

And yes, students of London School of Business who did a stint at dairy farms are turning out to be good managers.

HOW KOLAVERI DI SONG STOPPED FACEBOOK

This incident happened on 31st December’ 2011. Mark Zuckerberg-the founder of face book, was standing near the “Wall” of his office cabin. He happened to listen to “Kolaveri… Kolaveri.. Kolaveri.. Di” song on ring tone of the mobile phone of one of his Indian recruits. Curious, he asked his Indian employee on what was the meaning of the lyrics of this catchy song.
As anybody else, the employee didn’t know the meaning of the song. However he was not sure on how to tell the boss that the song which has gone viral on net, on every mobile’s ringtone, there is a call to make it national anthem of India, has lyrics whose meaning nobody knows, and this including the song writer.
Indians, especially who study in India, and serve foreigners abroad, are known to be smart. He cooked a story.
The lyrics of Kolaveri Di song denote ancient Indian classical wisdom . The meaning of the song is that -Life is a transient phase. We enter the world empty-handed and leave it also in same condition. There are no friends or foes. Man has to do the work which helps in serving the mankind. Wealth is immaterial and everything related to this is “maya” and nothing else. The objective of life is to “give” and not to “take”.
More Mark listened to the song, more he became engrossed in meaning of life , it’s shallowness. Why do we come in this world? Is “My Wall” very important. When we will die, will it matter how many “Friends” I had. Isn’t “Kolaveri” as Indians call it, the only meaning of life .And more Mark thought, more he became enlightened.
His moment of reckoning had come.
He decided to close down the face book. This to happen from the midnight of Ist January GMT ,with all billions earned to be given as charity to poor people of Africa and Uttar Pradesh. Mark decided to stay in jungles for remaining part of his life where friend requests are from nature and no one else.
And then there was no Face book.
It was like Armageddon. Obviously it became newspaper headlines. CNN and BBC started running continuous coverage on the closure. Street protests erupted all throughout the world and this time aided by prehistoric phone calls and SMS. There was news that some Tibetan monks have threatened self-immolation if Face book is not restored. Anna Hazare decided to go on fast to press the Indian government to pass the bill in parliament that Mark would be forced to start face book again. Many office goers across the world took sick leave as they were not able to understand as how they will spend time in office without checking on their and their friend’s walls. Businesses got hit. Another Wall i.e. Wall street collapsed. Greece, Italy , Spain and Portugal parliaments passed a resolution that they will default willfully and gleefully and bring down the global economy, if something is not done on this. Some sociologists predicted that it is end of the human race.
The president of USA had to intervene.
A special session of UN was called. It was decided to find out Mark and Face book to be started again.
USA marine commandos hunted down Mark in jungles of Pakistan . Though Pakistan government was unhappy that USA had carried out yet another mission without any of the Pakistani being aware , yet for world peace and promise of American dollars, they decided to not to make a hue and cry.
Mark was reluctant . He gave reference of Kolaveri Di song and how the song has given him learning’s of Athara and Rig Veda. There were intense parley and negotiations. However in the end he was convinced by a crack team of Indian entrepreneurs led by Lalit Modi who explained Mark that ancient Indian wisdom actually teaches on how to maximize your greed and increase your wealth.
Face book was reborn.
The employee who was listening to Kolaveri Di song was sacked and is looking for a suitable job through Google Plus.

A MULTI TASKING LIFE

It is 2012. Survival of the fittest theory has been replaced by survival of the multi-tasker. You live if you can two different things, besides living. For individuals it is called muti-tasking and businesses call it diversification. Therefore in 2012, you will find cigarette makers like ITC also producing protein rich biscuits, alcohol makers like United Breweries flying King Fisher Airlines , world’s largest software maker Microsoft going for hardware like tablets and social service being a career. And at individual level there are cricket players also good at betting and fixing, politicians being master minds in crimes, IMF chiefs being good in the matters of the bed and cine artists becoming leaders of people.

How can my neighborhood be far behind?

Our next door car workshop owner decided to open a preschool for tiny tots- the improvised version of the crèche where children are kept for 3-4 hours. Only thing was that he tried to impart basics of automotive skills to little kids also.

Here are a few snippets on what happened of this multi tasking, when the kindergarten school was run by a person with an automobile back ground……
A B C was taught and “ A” was for accelerator, “B “for brake and “C” for Clutch. A B C is basic and it is very important that it is learnt or done by heart. If not then ‘D’ is “death” and “E” is “Engine overhaul”. However if ABC is known, “F” is for “Formula One”. And beyond “F’ there is nothing. If there is, it is taught in senior schools.

Toys are needed so that children can pass their time and enjoy. What better than nuts, bolts, jack, tyre tube, silencer, radiator and other engine parts. And the children who were most well-behaved were given broken steering of an old car to play with. Children love to splash with water. So tubes of the tyre were used to be dipped in a water pool and also to know where there is a puncture. School owner had a point when he used to say that besides playing, children were also learning basics of mechanical engineering.

And it is true that what a person would become in life can be identified in young age itself. That girl Aishwaraya who loves to play with rear view mirror will become a model one day. That boy Bappi who fiddles with car audio system seems to have an ear for music. Cute little Sikh boy Manmohan Singh fears sitting on front seat and likes back seat. And the one, who always wear a cap, is very quiet, has frequent bouts of not eating anything for prolonged periods, and not even tells his name is called by staff by name of Anna.

Different pre-schools have different ways to manage children who cry and wail a lot. Some have swings, some have mini theatres and some give toffee and chocolates. This school had a toy car with a hydraulic lift platform. The children, who used to create issue, were put in the toy car, with the lift pushing the car up and down, and down would come children, laughing and enjoying this joy ride.
Potty training and honking are related to each other. Physics is same in both the case. There is a development of a sharp urge, movement of bowels or hands, application of pressure and resulting in a discharge of matter or sound. More deep the urge more prolonged are the movements. So children here were conditioned to use pressure horns as an indication of toilet needs.

So net net children were having fun. Parents were happy that their wards are shaping up well. The school has started gaining name and recognition for itself and last we heard owner of Shamrock play school is looking at business model of car workshops.
Now that is for later.

WHY DIWALI….?? CRACKERS ARE THERE ALL AROUND THE YEAR

Regardless of the fact that whether you are on Twitter or use red coloured post boxes- for sending Diwali cards (really ?), believe that cow gives milk or votes, are actually young , pretend to be young or young at heart only, have Aaadhar card or not, come Diwali day and everyone seem to behave in a similar fashion- enjoying bursting crackers.. Big or small, Chinese or Indian..!!!

One sometimes feels that what is the point of enjoying with crackers, on Diwali day only, when one is having them, other 364 days of the year too... Traditionally 5 kind of crackers are manufactured, sold and used, bought ,borrowed or stolen --- Anars (flower pots- which shower coloured sparkles), Charkhas (Ground Spinners they spin at their base and emit sparkles) Phuljhari (Sparkles- hand held stick which emits sparks) Rockets (think description not required….easily understandable unless you live on Mars) and bombs (crackers which create a sound with a bang).

Trust everyone who is reading this, waits earnestly for ICICI bank SMS post 25th of the month, isn’t there is a similarity between anars and monthly pay outs. They start with a bang, look so sparkling when they are burning, you never know when they would stop and you feel an eerie loss of gravity, when it just stops in between and seem to have been “exhausted”?. 60 ml repeats , single malts or desi , Pune made or Scotland, give the Anar cracker kind of visuals in the eyes and mind of the beholder. So good, so nice, so bright , sparkles everywhere and when it stops or the morning after hang over, when one has to go to office, feelings are same.

People who use more than 10% of their brain say that “This world is round”…. “It starts where it ends”….“You get back what you give.” Come On.. !!You can also call it charkhas or the ground spinners. Or it can be your married life (excluding first six months), friendship with gender of the opposite kind (excluding first three months), your job (excluding first month)…. and so on.

They can also be management problems. Your product is not selling because the quality of the product is not good. The quality of the product is not good because you don’t have the quantity and quality of required people. You don’t have people because you are not able to retain them. You are not able to retain them because you are not compensating them enough. And this is happening because your product is not selling.

Career counsellors love to say that you career and rockets are same. If they are set right, start right, are directed right, they go in the right direction.. dazzle with their sparkles and sound and lit up the sky. And on another hand, if they are not set right neither the rocket nor God knows where it would end or go ..what it would do.. what benefit or damage it will cause…why it is there in the first place. Or may be rocket crackers are like your mobile data usage. Just like rocket they travel (get exhausted ) at such a fast rate.. even when you are not doing anything what the Airtel 4G wali ladki does.
Our anxieties, our fears and nightmares ( the what if kind.. What if my wife runs away with my neighbour….what if I loose my job…. What if ICICI bank fails and as per deposit and credit guarantee insurance rules, I would get only nominal amount…What if earthquake strikes right just below your neighbourhood park etc.,) are just like phuljharis.. they emit just harmless sparks, scare your eyes and mind and in reality is nothing.

Bombs are an interesting cracker. You light them, then run away from it to hear a sound which you want to block by putting fingers on your ear. If the sound scares you, why light them up in the first place.

To all the lovers of Nicotiana tabacum, sometimes wonder, why one keeps on smoking knowing well, that it is not good. Why to light up when actually wants to run away from it…. And they do create a deafening sound.. in your lungs.

Net net 140 characters for all above is that when there are so many crackers in and around daily lives why should we have fun one day only.. Happy Diwali

MIDDLE AGE- A BEGINNNING OR THE END ??

Life expectancy (unless you live in Afghanistan or travel by Mumbai local) is regarded as 80 currently. So when one turns 40, is it, as has been famously said, that “life begins at 40” or is at actually beginning of the end?
If there is half filled good wine in the glass, it would always be half empty and not half full.
For this equation also, we believe that looking at age 40 will depend on variable factors like whether you are below the poverty line or above it, grayish hair or barren land at the top, happily married or blissful divorcee et al.
It seems you have lot of time (since you are reading this post),let us examine some specifics .
Those with less money tend to age earlier.
From the age of zero to 40, if you didn’t have silver spoon in the mouth, statistical chances are that you will have never. There is nothing wrong in dreaming, getting convinced by a few cases of a few people who came out of poverty in middle years, however the facts don’t change.
On the other hand if you are rich, at 40, you may start with adding to your rare collection of paintings and souvenirs. Add a wife who is envy of all. Move about anti oxidants, grape seed extracts et al. Money is the best anti ageing agents, to have ever been discovered.

At 40 the marital status is fully defined, described and cemented.
If you are married and can’t divorce, chances are that you will remain married regardless of state of your mind. Same is true with a happily divorcee person and if somebody is bachelor, well, somebody above who was making marriages up in heaven, goofed up!!
When you are repaying a loan from the bank, the rate of interest remains the same but the principal keeps on decreasing. There is a theory that marriages also work on the same concept.
While reading this line, whether you have considered love in the marriage to be “principal” or “rate of interest’, is subjective.

If you considered it as rate of interest, you “are” happily married. And if you have considered it as principal, you “were” happily married.

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. After middle age beauty do not lie anywhere.
Imagine a beauty pageant or a Mr. Universe kind of a title contest for people who are above the age of 40.

Let it remain an imagination only because it can never be a reality.

If beauty is a bell shaped curve, time wise, and not, figure wise, middle age is top of the bell. The beauty begins to wane. All kind of diseases are the door step. Getting a new job or term insurance for death, both are equally difficult. And beauty is last thing on the mind.

And then there are Gayatri Devi’s of this world that age doesn’t affect.

So life begins at 40??Each one of us will have his or her own answer.

And therein lies the beauty of something we call life.

IT IS JUST NOT ENOUGH

If you divide 22 by 7 what will you get? 3.14285714………. Mathematicians tell us that this (value of pie) can never be answered. Similarly can you answer how much money you need? And even if you have imagined a number, think would that be enough or shouldn’t it be slightly more… Fact of the matter is that it is just not enough….Cut a cake into exactly equal pieces but the one that you will get will never seem to be the largest!!!

Laxmi Lal is a daily wage labourer. He lays brick on brick ,add cement to lay a wall and make a house, and, himself lives in a shanty , the construction of which do not follow any laws of architecture. Manages to earn around Indian Rupees 5,000 per month. He rues that he doesn’t have enough money to ensure that he is able to have, may be not protein rich and fat free but some sort of three meals in a day, every day. Occasionally if a bottle of country liquor, in the night can be there, it will be wonders. Sometimes, when Laxmi Lal manages to have a drink in the night, invariably, lying somewhere outside his shanty, he gets awaken by a cab, at 3:00 a.m. in the night, dropping a BPO employee Bharat Kumar…

Bharat Kumar works for a BPO firm who services their client customers which are based outside India. Though he got very poor grades in his mother tongue Hindi language subject when in school, yet now speaks with an accent which is more American to Americans even.Bharat earns around Indian Rupees 15,000 per month and rues that he doesn’t have enough money to ensure that he is able to have a bike of its own and not depend on call centre cab. Also a secret desire, that bike is costly and impressive enough, to have on the back seat of the bike, beautiful daughter of his next door neighbor Raja Malhotra.

Raja Malhotra is a mid level manager in a private limited company dealing in courier and logistics. For almost all his life he has worked as a slave in this company. Manages to earn around Indian Rupees 60,000 per month. He rues that he doesn’t have enough money that he can start his own business and will not have to work for any other person. Like any other salaried person he feels that he works more but earns less and is indispensable. But the universal truth is that this is never true. Raja has joined “art of living “course and among his friends there is Shalin Gupta

Shalin Gupta is a trader of vegetables and earns hordes of money by hoarding stocks of onions, tomatoes and releasing on premium. Doesn’t like to follow any law of the land, including as complex as jumping red light and as simple as evading taxes. Manages to earn around Indian Rupees 5, 00,000 per month. He rues that he doesn’t have enough money that he can buy a house in the very posh locality of his city of residence. Dreams of living in this area, building a temple and spending his retired life in the company of the real rich classy people like he saw a photograph of Vidyapati Singhania.

Vidyapati Singhania or VS as he was popularly know has recently won “Business Magnate of the Year” award for his path breaking model of low cost mobile phones. VS managed to earn around 50,00,000 per month, however rued the fact that he doesn’t have enough money to have a private premium jet of his own….Anyway was building a premium villa for himself and Laxmi Lal was one of the labourer working on the site…

It is just not enough!!!

GENES THAT DIDN'T GET MUTATED

What is the similarity between pop singer Shakira dancing on song “hips don’t lie’” and Kangaroos jumping up and down in forests?

Life started as a single cell some billions of years ago. It may have been egg first or chicken first or both simultaneously but the fact remains that with the passage of time, various species were evolved. It is said that we, the human beings are the most evolved species. However isn’t it that we are basically from the same stock? The nucleic acids, the proteins, the molecules of life are the same!!.Cement and mortar have to be used, you build a prison wall or a five star hotel.

Presenting, my dear readers, the story of the genes of various species that didn’t get mutated in human beings and continue to be behave in their original fashion.

Imagine hundreds and hundreds of rats. One starts running and suddenly everyone starts running. Nobody neither knows the destination nor the purpose of running but still continues to run and the sole objective is to run faster and ahead of rats who are running alongside. Human beings also run. They want to be richer than their next door neighbor, more successful than their relatives and more beautiful than their mirror. Everyone is racing to have a luxury car, holiday at exotic location, super home, and huge amount of money in bank and so on. Why is incidental.

If a few crabs are kept in a jar and the jar is open, nothing will happen. No crab will get out. They will remain as it is. As soon as one crab gets the chance to climb the wall of the jar, some other crab will pull him down. There are a few employees working in a firm , where the managerial position is vacant. Everyone wants to become the boss but nobody is able to do it. All of them are finding faults in their team members and exposing it to the management. Search for boss continues.

Owls are awake in the night and sleep in the day. You find the youngsters of PG generation (post Google generation) starting their parties at 11:00 P.M. in the night , having a nature’s call break at 2:00 a.m. midnight and then again continuing partying till dawn. And when the sun shines, the eyelids drop and they go to sleep. And we have students who believe that only time to study is night only and sunlight is somehow injurious to learning.

Wisdom is that if a monkey takes away your bag, the best way to retrieve it would be to throw something in your hand, to the ground. Monkey is habituated to copy what they see. They would throw the bag back on the ground on seeing you throwing .In human beings you will find writers copying work of some other one who may have copied from someone else, and what is called as process of “inspiration”. There are musicians who copy someone else tune, distant sculptures, separated by vertex of time and space, look similar. If a celebrity, may be by mistake., starts wearing a cap with flap backwards, it becomes new fashion trend.

Bulls are not only very strong animals but also their sexual escapades are legendary. And then we have Tiger Woods –the ace golfer. Reports have it that if you throw a stone, on any side of the Atlantic, chances are that it will fall on a woman mated by the golfer. In humans sperms are produced in millions but egg by human females in solitary. So male humans like bulls have the urge to mate here and there and they continue to run amok.

Rats, crabs , owls, and then monkeys, and oh my God- bulls also-various species from whole spectrum. What is the conclusion?
Genes don’t lie!!

POST GRADUATE- LIFE FULL OF MISSES

If college life is a three hour comedy,post graduate life is a tragic sequel to it. The university-Special is the same, the environment is the same-the freshers,the elections, the strikes,the festivals,-allsimilar.But suddenly you are not a part of it. You know your college life is over. You also know your professional life hasn't started yet.The tag of SS is attached, indicating not some elite member of secret services, but just Superannuated Seniors.

The first experience is to have a "look' of that enigmatic species-Professor.The famous dons, whom you heard about,read their books, but never saw.There are some initial problems, like recognising and remembering which one has got affiliations with which group. Once you come to grips with politics of the department, then apply diplomacy.The world may have become unipolar,but in your department consisting of different blocs, it is better to be non-aligned.

The schedule of classes is so hectic,particularly in the science departments,the college practice of attending classes in between the rest time has to be reversed.Central Science Library and Central Reference Library are the new meeting points.PerhapsDU authorities recognise that PG students are somewhat different entities,and so we have PG men's hostel and PG women's hostel. Participation in the college elections or festivals, at the expense of bunking classes, which cannot be done now.It is seen that science departments of DU hold regular classes even when there is a joint strike by DUSU,DUTA, etc., Believe it or not!

Taking interest in the opposite sex is hazardous and certainly avoidable. Girls mature earlier than boys, as far as marriage is concerned. So chances are that when a boy and girl are sitting together,the innocent boy may be dreaming of roses, the smart girl thinking about her prospective bridegroom who is coming to her house to see her in the evening. And , one day, when the boy gives her laboriously prepared notes, she gives him her marriage invitation,"I am getting married on so and so date. I hope you will come". Of course, he says he has learnt to act.

A silver lining is there behind the clouds.Post graduation brings the student closer to the subject.The fundmentals become clear, and horizon of knowledge widens.Learning becomes more thrilling and exciting. besides there is a chance of getting taught from the best brains on the subject.For science students, it is stimulating to work out new challenging and exciting experiments in better laboratory conditions. Relationships, if developed here , are more mature and likely to be stable and everlasting.
But has post graduation any value in job market. the answer is no. MA's and MSc's are equivalent to BA's and BSc's except that former are older in age.Unless one goes for still higher studies, there is no use of doing MA or M.Sc

The decision for PG student to go for higher degrees like M.Phil and Ph.D is another dilemma.A student devoted to the subject ,after doing B.Sc and M.Sc(or BA and MA) enrolls for Ph.D.He works for 3 to 4 years, day and night, while the science student is working out experiments in the laboratory and analysing the results, the art student is painstakingly looking into the literature. He now gets the post of a lecturer whose basic pay is very much equivalent to Class-1 officer, who became such by doing simple graduation and clearing the Civil Services examination.

Even the second lieutenant of Indian Army has more or less same basic pay. And if money is everything, industry sources will tell you about exuberant salaries of MBA graduates. So it is obvious that ambitious and hardworking student,even if he is interested in the subject , will take more interest in UPSC and CAT.