HOW TO GET GOOD SALARY INCREMENTS

There is nothing which money can’t buy. Hence if we have less money, we can talk about ethical philosophical thoughts, but, fact remains that money is important. And for the benefit of millions of people, who jump and dance and eat chocolates (if it can be afforded) on first date of month, we are revealing secrets, on how to get good salary increments. A must read. Put on your glasses, if you use, to see all fine prints here.
The first and foremost thing is that it is not important that you work, but, requirement is to show that you are working. Move with energy even if you are feeling sleepy in your workplace. Make a huge noise, cry yourself hoarse, tell everyone even if some are not willing to listen, if your one small bit of effort has resulted in some positive effects. Things to do list, is not made to act, but to show it to your boss discreetly, even if it has remained the same for last 8 working days. If you are planning to surf the net, play games and chat after sending the important e-mail, the smart technique is to first prepare the draft, let us say by 5:30 P.M., have fun on company’s expense and send the e-mail by 10:30 P.M. when you are about to leave. The impression would be that poor chap has been working hard till 10:30 P.M. in the night.

There are Oriental massages, African way of massage, Ayurvedic massage, herbal massages, animal massages and what all but the best and most important and which you need to learn is how to massage the ego of your boss. It is a very delicate technique requiring years of practice, good ingredients, right kind of situations and ability to apply softly and slowly.

Every human being likes to be appreciated, adored, and respected. So how can you boss or client be different. Flattery is a difficult art but once you get a hold on to it, it becomes the biggest skill advantage and technical competence you can have. If you are not adept to it, practice it day in and day out. Observe people who are successful in corporate world and you can learn a lot of techniques of flattery from these masters.

And now the most important commandment is that never, never the buck should stop at you. When the things go wrong, the reason is that whom you have delegated didn’t work as he/she should be, or your senior or client didn’t give proper authority or instruction. No way, on this earth, you can be responsible for the blame, even if you are only one who has led to this fiasco. Have a strong EQ i.e. emotional quotient. Even if client or customer shouts and screams at you, make sure that the moment it come’s in the right ear, next second later, it goes out from the left ear. Do not get affected by it. Professionally it is called as “part of job”, “professional hazards” etc.,

Hard work is working throughout the year. Smart work is working 2 months before the appraisal. Technically in HR, it is called as “recency effect” and universally applicable. Become very active as soon as performance appraisal months come near. Come early, leave late. Respond to each communication like your life depends on it. Get involved in each project as never before. If the boss’s wife is facing problem, because the maid or servant is not coming, do overtime at his house. It will also help in building a personal relationship. Drop a hint or two that you are getting an offer from competition, and yes, obviously, even this may not be true at all.

Can these strategies ever fail? They never have and never will. Once you apply them, the salary increments would be good and money will be able to buy you everything. So what are you waiting for?

LESSONS IN MANAGEMENT FROM DAIRY FARM

A leading management institute, London School of Business, with a worldwide recognized, course in Human Resource Management has recently tied up with a dairy farm at Karnal, Haryana. The students would be spending at least 2 weeks at the farm. The objective of this tie up has been to give students an exposure to dairy farm management, which academicians feel, would benefit them tremendously, in their career in managing human resources in companies.

Insights into this logic are listed below.

The fundamental premise that a dairy farm works is, that milk is meant for the market, and not for the calf of the cow, for which actually it is produced. If there would be no calf, there would be no milk. However the benefit of calf is not to be seen. Employees exist in an organization to make profits for promoters, owners and shareholders and this profit is not supposed to be ploughed back to the staff.
The cow which gives maximum milk is supposed to be pregnated the maximum number of times and at the earliest possible. More calf’s would mean more milk producing opportunities and since the trained resource (cow) gives maximum output, more benefit for the farm. If an employee is very hard working, works day and night, good HR practice is to give him more projects, more work and thus more load. This called as “Jat theory of optimization of exploitation” roots its origins to dairy farms of Jind and Narnual in Haryana.

Milking hygiene is central to efficient farm management. By this, if the cows are free from any disease, they can be deployed throughout the year. With the advent of technology there are now machines which can do this work. Milk is transferred, through pipes, directly from udders to giant containers and there is no “communication gap”. Good multinational companies make sure that the workstations where the employees are working (getting milked) are clean, comfortable and cosy. And technology has made sure that each workstation has a system with hi-speed internet connection and telephone for break free communication.

Good dairy farms are those who follow well defined animal welfare policies. These include a healthy environment, no space constraint issues, timely serving of feed and adequate care during illness. Staff welfare policies are designed to ensure that staff remains fit and fine for maximum work optimization. Offices are kept neat and clean, tastefully decorated , spacious cubicles to avoid space constraints, canteen facilities for serving timely food, leaves like Sick leave, group medical insurance policies etc.,

And yes, students of London School of Business who did a stint at dairy farms are turning out to be good managers.

HOW KOLAVERI DI SONG STOPPED FACEBOOK

This incident happened on 31st December’ 2011. Mark Zuckerberg-the founder of face book, was standing near the “Wall” of his office cabin. He happened to listen to “Kolaveri… Kolaveri.. Kolaveri.. Di” song on ring tone of the mobile phone of one of his Indian recruits. Curious, he asked his Indian employee on what was the meaning of the lyrics of this catchy song.
As anybody else, the employee didn’t know the meaning of the song. However he was not sure on how to tell the boss that the song which has gone viral on net, on every mobile’s ringtone, there is a call to make it national anthem of India, has lyrics whose meaning nobody knows, and this including the song writer.
Indians, especially who study in India, and serve foreigners abroad, are known to be smart. He cooked a story.
The lyrics of Kolaveri Di song denote ancient Indian classical wisdom . The meaning of the song is that -Life is a transient phase. We enter the world empty-handed and leave it also in same condition. There are no friends or foes. Man has to do the work which helps in serving the mankind. Wealth is immaterial and everything related to this is “maya” and nothing else. The objective of life is to “give” and not to “take”.
More Mark listened to the song, more he became engrossed in meaning of life , it’s shallowness. Why do we come in this world? Is “My Wall” very important. When we will die, will it matter how many “Friends” I had. Isn’t “Kolaveri” as Indians call it, the only meaning of life .And more Mark thought, more he became enlightened.
His moment of reckoning had come.
He decided to close down the face book. This to happen from the midnight of Ist January GMT ,with all billions earned to be given as charity to poor people of Africa and Uttar Pradesh. Mark decided to stay in jungles for remaining part of his life where friend requests are from nature and no one else.
And then there was no Face book.
It was like Armageddon. Obviously it became newspaper headlines. CNN and BBC started running continuous coverage on the closure. Street protests erupted all throughout the world and this time aided by prehistoric phone calls and SMS. There was news that some Tibetan monks have threatened self-immolation if Face book is not restored. Anna Hazare decided to go on fast to press the Indian government to pass the bill in parliament that Mark would be forced to start face book again. Many office goers across the world took sick leave as they were not able to understand as how they will spend time in office without checking on their and their friend’s walls. Businesses got hit. Another Wall i.e. Wall street collapsed. Greece, Italy , Spain and Portugal parliaments passed a resolution that they will default willfully and gleefully and bring down the global economy, if something is not done on this. Some sociologists predicted that it is end of the human race.
The president of USA had to intervene.
A special session of UN was called. It was decided to find out Mark and Face book to be started again.
USA marine commandos hunted down Mark in jungles of Pakistan . Though Pakistan government was unhappy that USA had carried out yet another mission without any of the Pakistani being aware , yet for world peace and promise of American dollars, they decided to not to make a hue and cry.
Mark was reluctant . He gave reference of Kolaveri Di song and how the song has given him learning’s of Athara and Rig Veda. There were intense parley and negotiations. However in the end he was convinced by a crack team of Indian entrepreneurs led by Lalit Modi who explained Mark that ancient Indian wisdom actually teaches on how to maximize your greed and increase your wealth.
Face book was reborn.
The employee who was listening to Kolaveri Di song was sacked and is looking for a suitable job through Google Plus.